Never Forsaken

How Not to Write an Essay

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 01:21:56 GMT

I've never been and never will be known as one to take the traditional, serious, or even logical approach to anything. So when I was presented with instructions to write an expository essay, several ideas ran through my head. They were probably good ideas, but none of them seemed fun enough for me to do (except maybe “How to Toast Bread”). So as one might imagine, when I thought up How Not to Write an Essay, I was elated! Here was an opportunity to put into practice what I had just learned about writing an expository essay. Therefore, without further ado, here is “how not to write an essay”.

How to Not Write an Essay

by Kayla H*****

Always provide personal attacks and controversial topics in your expository essay. If you explain the last step first, your readers will thank you. Footnotes and bibliographies are totally unnecessary. After all, the author stated his or her ideas for others to use, right? Titles are overrated. Come up with the most unimaginative and boring title you can, as no one will look at it anyway. The broader the topic, the easier it is to write about it. Guessing and reasoning are a critical part of the expository essay. Without them, it will be strictly facts and to have facts, you must research. Instead of wasting your time to learn about something that others do not need to know about, reason and argue with your readers. It will inspire them to think more deeply and fully than ever before.

The introduction always comes after you attack your worst enemy, whether it be your ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend or your parents, and you reason your thoughts and ideas. It ends with a broad statement like “Maybe the world just hates me” or “Like everyone else, I am entirely misunderstood”. You always want to state your purpose immediately. If you don't, your readers will have to read ahead to find out what you're even talking about. If you proofread your essay, the originality will fade away and it won't be very fun to read. It will be like reading a stiff and perfect paper from a professor. And some people may be turned off because they didn't like their professor.

Remember, the briefer the essay (under 500 words always works miracles!) the better off you will be! No matter what, never conclude anything and summarize. Doing so will only the destroy the imagination of today's youth. Clearly, confusing matters teach the reader to think for him- or herself. Don't worry if you're not good at organization skills. Writing an essay gives you the opportunity to be as untidy and unruly as you please. Just so long as you are able to argue your points and attack your worst enemy in the most freeing manner on the face of the planet, you will write an essay worthy of much praise! Never ask the opinions of others about your essay.

Peaches, bonfire, && family reunion

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:28:16 GMT

Saturday

My brain goes crazy when it sees peaches now. We blanched, cut, and froze about 6 quarts of peaches. At least it was yummy. In fact I was accused of being a "hog" several times. Well, I'm sorry, but the peaches just smelled so delicious and all I had to do was move my hand a foot upwards to my mouth -- and avoid cutting myself on the knife -- and I could catch a glimpse a paradise. Why shouldn't I?

And then ... dun dun dun ... the bonfire. We went to our friends the Cs and the Bs came too. We had such a great time, like always. We stayed late -- until 10:30.

Sunday

We had a family reunion. It was alright. Not a very large crowd -- 27 people total. But at least I got to eat. Highlight of my day, as you can see. Nothing exciting happened.

Today

PJ was out of the nesting box! Aw, so cute. I love this stage. Bumblebee and Jazz are so tiny and cute. We also picked a ton of green beans and now we have to freeze/blanche them. *raspberries* I don' wanna. *pout* But I guess I hafta, right? *crying*

Good morning!

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 12:54:36 GMT

Good morning! My name is Kayla, I am 16 years old, and I am new to LiveJournal. However, I look forward to learning more, making new friends, and sharing pictures.

First of all: my username. I am a Christian. I believe in the Bible literally, and in six literal days of Creation. I believe that Jesus Christ is God in human form, as well as God's Son. I believe He came to earth to save us from our sins. I believe He died on the cross and rose again on the third day, according to Scripture.

A little more about me: I am 5'1", and of average weight. I have shoulder-length hair that is brown, and hazel eyes. I wear glasses and I used to have braces. My family and I own one dog (a beautiful 2-year-old Australian Shepherd boy named Patriot), three cats (Kayla Kitty, Gracie Girl, and Panda), 19 rabbits (Pippin, Blaze, Jack, Indy, Roran, Barbossa, Will, Elizabeth, Pintel, Ragetti, DJ [Davy Jones], Bumblebee, Jazz, Frodo, Sam, Merry, PJ [Pippin Jr.], Smeagol, and Rosie), and nine chickens. Me and my brother (Matt; 19-years-old) and sister (Katie; 12-years-old) were/are homeschooled. My brother graduated last year.

I love to write (fantasy), read (fantasy, although I enjoy non-fiction), listen to music (country, metal, rock, pop, world, soundtrack), and watch movies (Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, National Treasure, Chronicles of Narnia, I Am Legend, War of the Worlds). My other hobbies include agility, and learning about nutrition and alternative medicine.

If you have any more questions or comments, I welcome them all with open arms! Unless they're mean ... in which case, watch your back. You have been warned.